this week's funnies - 1st installment

Ask the good doctor.....

Q : I heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is that true ?
A : Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer, that's like to say that you can extend the life of your car by driving faster. Want to live longer...take a nap !

Q : Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables ?
A : What does a cow eat ? Hay and corn. And what are these ? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain ? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q : Should I reduce my alcohol intake ?
A : No. Not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means that they take the water out of the fruity bits so that you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up !

Q : What are the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program ?
A : Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is NO PAIN...NO GOOD !

Q : Aren't fried foods bad for us ?
A : Your are not listening !!! ... Foods are fried in vegetable oil these days. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you ?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle ?
A : Definitely not ! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach...

Q : Is chocolate bad for me ?
A : Are you crazy ? Hellooooo cocoa beans ! Another vegetable ! It's the best feel good food around !

Q : Is swimming good for the figure ?
A : If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q : Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle ?
A : Hey ! Isn't "round" a shape ?

LIFE SHOULD NOT BE A JOURNEY TO THE GRAVE WITH THE INTENTION OF ARRIVING SAFELY IN AN ATTRACTIVE AND WELL PRESERVED BODY, BUT RATHER TO SKID IN SIDEWAYS - CHARDONNAY IN ONE HAND, CHOCOLATE IN THE OTHER, BODY THOROUGHLY USED UP, TOTALLY WORN OUT AND SCREAMING "WOO HOO...WHAT A RIDE !"